Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
