After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
