you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
