can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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