I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
