I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
