Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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