i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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