i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
