dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
