Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
