when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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