Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
