i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
