I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
