He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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