dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
