Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
