Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
