Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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