my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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