coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
