that's an acceptable place to lick
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
