I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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