Kiss
Puke
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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