please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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