on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
