My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
