Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
