You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
