No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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