well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
