I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
