SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
