halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
