I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
