Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
