im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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