At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
