R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
