so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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