Umm I'm too high to move.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
