so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
