How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
