how hairy? two words: wookie tits
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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