It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
