my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
