True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
