I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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