I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
